Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Anxiety Settles in Limbo

I find myself in an odd state lately.
Constant (what seems to be) anxiety and an even deeper desire to stay within my home than I've ever felt before.  That says a lot, considering how much of a hermit I am by nature.
It could be the state of limbo I find myself in, this wondering of where I'll be living three months from now... knowing that it probably won't be here... dealing with that on an emotional level.

I can clearly see all the reasons we should not buy this house.
Buying this house is completely illogical, but faced with that or moving back into an apartment (which would be cramped and more expensive) it has seemed our only option for the last few months.  I've been content in the knowledge that we would, in all likelihood, buy the house despite the fact that it's not the best investment we could make.  Shit.  Buying a brand new car would be about equal as far as any sort of future financial gain is concerned.

My overwhelming emotional desire to hold on to this house resides firmly in the simple fact that moving will most likely force us to put our son in a different school.  Perhaps a different district entirely.  I have this intense (and somewhat illogical) desire to keep him in the same district K-12.  To move him between first and second grade wouldn't be that big of a deal... not overall... I know this-I attended four different elementary schools and then moved to a new district again when I started high school.  But I long for friends I've known since we were five years old and swinging on the monkey bars... and I want that for my son.

Another thing contributing to the surge in anxiety, to the increasing severity of the panic attacks and the general feeling of "OHMYGODNOPLEASENO" in my mind is this impending "vacation" that we're going on next week.

Bare Bones: Being away from my home for five days and four nights is enough to give me a stroke.  I don't like the idea.  I don't want to do it.

All other circumstances regarding this little family trip are completely meaningless at this point.  I simply do not want to leave my house for any length of time, let alone five fucking days.

I'm pretty much patted on the head and told that things will be all right and I should "think of all the fun I'm going to have."  Because the gods know I see acres of fun ahead of me.  Acres.

Mentally I'm stuck as well.  The simple fact that the plans I've had rocketing around in my head for the last three years started speeding up when it became likely that we'd end up buying the house... and now they're dead stopped.  Stuck.  I can't even think about and plan for a move because I have no idea if that's even going to happen... or when... or what the fuck.

My brain is already working on what I'm going to do two days after I get home from "vacation."  That's where I am mentally right now: Two weeks from Today.  So what comes next?  Will we have the answers I assume and hope like hell we're going to have when we get back?  If we do have those answers I should be able to move forward but it doesn't really help my mental state over the next week... or during our time away.  Which is already going to be stressful, nerve wracking and OMG I'd rather shoot myself in the foot.

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