Rambles

This week seems promising.
After working the last two days, and then sitting through 14 innings of pure nail biting torture... I missed the first four innings as I was at work when the game started, but it has taken me the last two hours to really calm down.
I got pretty pumped there.
Stupid adrenaline.

So the plans for the next five days are to finish up the things I've spent the last two weeks working on.  One of the major craft projects is finished... but I have another that is staring me in the face and long, long overdue completion.  In addition to the six hours of Dr. Who sitting on the DVR waiting patiently for me to watch them I'd like to get the first items I have for sale posted so I can get things moving. 

The boy has a short day this week, which puts a small cramp in things...  but I can take that afternoon to finish the photograph organizing project.  It's been an incredibly long haul that has left me dragging my feet and screaming internally...  but it's almost finished, and the moment of satisfaction at it's completion will be phenomenal. 

Next week I have plans to tackle the sunroom...  to scrub it down, get some stuff out of it and into the shed, possibly shampoo the carpet out there...  then it's the long process of selling toys.   I'm not sure the exact number of items I have, but I don't imagine it'll be a short road.  Hopefully I'll be able to do it quickly, but I'm certainly not going to hold my breath.  The main goal will be to get the room detailed and the toys photographed.  I can move from there with ease.

After that I'm not sure where I'll go next...  either my bedroom and bathroom or the boy's.  It sort of depends on how bad his bedroom gets between now and then.  It's pretty bad now... and I have at least two more weeks before I have to make a decision...

Too much, disjointed...

There is literally just too much to do.
I've been buckling down the last two weeks and seriously getting shit done.  The backyard is under control and everything is in pots.  I've made enough progress on two craft projects that I'm literally 24 dedicated hours away from completion.
But the DVR is backing up with summer programs and Dr. Who episodes.  The fall programming is starting to trickle in and the pile of books to read is multiplying. 
The desk is under control with a few exceptions...  mostly those that necessitate the saving of my pennies or awaiting the next trip to Target.
We've spent the weekend at a Convention, thus the increased number of books.  I'm a sucker for the author tables.  Absolute sucker.
This week has a to-do list... that I can accomplish if I continue to work toward my goals. 
I have to keep them in sight, and I can continue, get to the next step, then the next.  I've got minimal lists and goals in mind.  I've even got rewards.  I'm earning them for myself.  It's a point system.  Yeah baby.
Before bed I'd like to finish the story I'm reading.
Removing my photos from my old phone before resetting it is painful.
I kinda feel sorry for my Facebook friends, who are being subjected to multiple postings while I make my way through three years of photos. 
I've got 142 to go.
I've made quite a bit of progress, but the realization that my Facebook albums need to be cleaned up has become glaringly obvious.  This could take weeks...  or months.  Not to mention all the photos I have to go through on my computer and get developed. 
It's a good thing my kid is so cute, or I'd be really tired of looking at his face... and I've barely begun the dreaded "Photo Project."
I've made good progress on my music organization.  But I don't like to discuss that.  It's obsessive, complicated and strange.  Let's just say it's going well.
I have an idea for a photograph, that is borderline consuming me.  I've almost got everything put together for it and am hoping to get it taken sometime this week or next.
My first personal deadline is October 7th.
The only problem is that I have indistinct goals.
I have goals, but they're unattainable-and I realize this.  I'm just afraid that by reducing those expectations I may feel that I've a surplus of time and not get things done.
Sometimes I hate how my brain works.
It's getting late and I have to be somewhere that's far enough from here to be a bother in less than 11 hours.
I should go to bed so I have time to do the chores in the morning before being expected to drive in traffic...  because there's always fucking traffic.

Understanding children

There are people who understand children... and people who don't, or won't. 

(There's a difference between don't and won't ya know.  If you don't-it doesn't mean that you can't or that you won't.  But if you won't it means that you don't and that you refuse to.)

Some people never have to understand children.  They have none, they will never have any and they don't spend time with any.  That's a personal choice that should be respected. I could go off on the parental response to the child-free attitude... but I won't.  Just fucking respect it, okay?

There are also people who don't understand children... but really should.  They spend time with them (they may even have a child or two of their own) but they don't "get" kids.

Understanding children is not that difficult.  It's like understanding dogs and cats.  If you can understand Fido and Fluffy you can understand kids.  Trust me.  Kids are EASIER to comprehend than pets.  Tenfold. 

The first thing you should know about understanding children is that they're not an enigma.  If you reach down deep enough and remember back far enough you can relate.  YOU CAN RELATE!  It's really not hard.  Let go, relax and just BE for a little while and the child will start to make sense to you. 

The second thing you should know is that projecting your expectations onto a child and then being disappointed that they don't match your mental image of them is even more damaging and even more unacceptable than it is when you do the same thing to an adult.  I'm not saying that you shouldn't be disappointed when a child doesn't meet your expectations...  (failing the math test is a valid disappointment) but if those expectations are that they be a certain way and they are not that way...  you're the one who is broken.  Not the kid.  (Just because your child doesn't like to tap dance doesn't mean they're broken... and gods forbid they prefer scary movies to the rom-coms you so adore.)

I'm not talking about behavior.  Bad behavior is due to many factors.  I'm talking about the type of person that child is.  That child is not its parents-that child is its own person and when you do nothing but belittle the child and show disappointment in the child because they are not who you think they should be...  you're hurting them.  If you do this to adults they'll just flip you off and walk away.  Nobody likes to be put into a box and forced to behave a certain way because that's how other people think they should behave.  Don't do it to kids-you're not training them-you're breaking them.

Furthermore... blaming your perceived shortcomings upon the parents, one or both, is absolutely inexcusable.  It is not the parents job to raise a child to live up to the expectations of a grandparent, an aunt/uncle or the neighbors.  It is the parents job to raise a child to live in the world... to teach them to be a good person and to develop a moral foundation that the child can build upon as they live and grow.  If that child doesn't meet your expectations that child is not flawed, any more than you are flawed for not meeting the expectations others have.  




Talk to kids like they're people.  Alter your vocabulary to their age, but don't ignore difficult concepts or ideas just because they're kids.  If you change the way you explain something you'll find that a child can understand exactly what you're saying... they may not be able to formulate a response, or have a lengthy and intelligent discussion...  but you can lay a foundation for future conversations, and provoke thought.  Critical thinking. 

When a child tells you something, don't immediately discount it because of their age, or because you weren't there to see.  Believe them.  Don't run to the adult who was present and ask for "the truth" just listen and accept. 
When  child doesn't feel good don't tell them they're not sick because they're not laying in bed groaning in agony. 
When a child says they're not hungry don't force them to finish their dinner just because you think they should. 
When a child is not tired don't force them to go to bed... I mean, bedtime is bedtime but demanding a light's out and threatening punishment if they get out of their bed is no way to address the issue.  When you're not tired at bedtime do you stay up a little?  Watch another show, read another chapter?  Why can't a child lay in bed and read until they're ready for bed?  Why can't a child play quietly in their room until they're ready for sleep?  Who the fuck does it hurt if they do?

You may be an adult... but you have no idea when someone else is feeling full or tired because you are not that person.  Age is not a qualifier here.  You don't like it when your significant other gives you a hard time for not eating everything on your plate when you go out to an expensive dinner...  so don't do the same thing to your child when they get full before they clean their plate.  You don't like it when you're tired and your friends give you a hard time and accuse you of just not wanting to hang out... so don't tell your child that they just don't want to go to bed when they're not tired "when they're supposed to be."

Perhaps the most difficult thing for people who don't understand children to come to terms with is how they relate to children.  It's a fact that there are parents and grandparents in the world who simply do not understand why children behave in certain ways.  This may be because they haven't had any experience with children since they were children-or their own children were young.  I think it's important for people to expose themselves to children over the course of their life.  Don't ever forget how illogical they are.  Don't ever forget how malleable they are.  Don't ever forget the lure of pure curiosity in  a world full of mysteries... 

If you never discipline a child you will have a problem that just gets bigger as they do.
If you never explain things to a child you will kill their curiosity and stifle their intellect.
If you always belittle their opinion-no matter how unformed and ignorant it may be-you make them feel like they mean nothing to you.  Think about it... if every time you try to talk to someone they treat you like a fool you eventually cut ties with them... right?  Nobody wants to hang out with someone who makes them feel stupid.  The same can be said about children.  If you treat a child like a child they will never respect you. 

lazy, bored, too tired for either...

Sick sense.  Keeps running through my mind.
I've been so incredibly lazy lately I can barely stand my self.
I'm very tired, extremely tired of people questioning my parenting decisions-or skills-every single time my kid does something or behaves in some way that they don't agree with... or every time something happens that they didn't witness.

It's to the point where I'm getting down right defensive when someone questions me.
If you don't like it, don't raise your kid this way.
Period.

For the last two weeks I've literally gotten nothing done.  I have projects that I aim to finish by weeks end but by Friday I realize I haven't even touched them... let alone finished them.  I clean the house and do the laundry, I cook the dinner and the cookie jar is full.  The cat boxes don't stink and when my kid rings in a fever of 101 I make all the phone calls, administer the medication and stay home with him rather than go to work for a whopping three appointments and 9 hours of boredom spent worrying about my kid... who would have been left home alone with the spouse who had to work from home today.

I do what I gotta do...  I even made a freakin' candle this week and labeled the cat food container in the hopes that I won't find trash in it after our next shindig.

My birthday is next month but it's August first so I'm gonna start flipping out about Christmas.
This seems like a lovely time to get the ball rolling on the whole "let's buy a house" thing.  So we'll start that next week.

Quiet Insanity...

Quiet insanity is the worst.  When you have no idea if the person whose company you're keeping has completely lost their mind... or are just a fucking fool.

More often than not I end up settling on the latter.

I'm so fed up with people being mad at me because I don't live up to some long standing expectation they've had of me.  Or because their assumptions about the kind of person I am have been proven incorrect.

I'm fed up with double standards and the quiet stress of living in limbo-despite the fact that our landlord has graciously given us the opportunity to continue living at here with a slight raise in rent.  We're still planning, thinking about or being pushed into purchasing a home.  Whether or not that's what we decide we want to do won't end up mattering in the long run.  I have a feeling we're going to end up buying a house whether we want to or not, whether we feel ready for it or not... just so that we don't have to deal with the guilt trips and bullshit that will follow by not living up to someone else's lofty expectations of us.

Our happiness be damned.
Our personal comfort or goals are not a matter to be considered.
I'm fed up.

A very, very large part of me wants to say, "Fine, we'll buy a house."  And then move up to Oregon or Washington and then quietly inform people that we don't have a guest room, we'll never have a guest room and that if they would like to come and visit there's a very nice hotel down the street.

I want to leave this area. I never would have stayed here this long if I hadn't married a man who so loves to live here.  In this expensive hell hole full of too many rude ass motherfuckers. 

But life is what it is and sometimes you have to roll with it instead of mold it.
So right now I'm rolling.
But I totally have brakes, so I'm not too worried.

Quiet stress

You know what's great?

Knowing that you're going to move but not knowing when... or where.

Waiting for money.  Knowing that starting to look for a place when we don't even have the money is rather foolish.  When you consider that a home in our neighborhood (the area outside the mobile home park) will turn over in less than three weeks means that if we see something we like... we'll just be disappointed when we are unable to even make an offer on it.

I understand that getting an idea for the prices in our area and starting to discover and discuss where we should start looking is a good idea.  I take those recommendations to heart, but I have yet to jump onto any real estate sites and start looking.  I spend enough time in the world to know that there is usually something available in the sprawl of townhomes on the other side of one of the main thoroughfares.  I am aware that at any time I could go over there and find at least one of them for sale.  So I'm not too worried. 

But really.  I'm freaking out.

I don't want to move.
But I don't want to buy this house-because it's a fucking money pit and we'd be stuck here forever.
Forever.

I'm already planning the move-out week.  I've got it scheduled and the only hiccup is that I'll need a car for the entire week... so I'll have to borrow or rent one.  Or buy another car.  That would be nice.  It's also a wonderful dream. The dream of having two cars... of not having to walk to the school at the hottest part of the day.  The dream of not developing raccoon face in just two days. 

In the meantime I'm staring at this house and packing it.  In my head.

There is so much to do... and doing it gradually is a wonderful plan but once I get started I know that I won't be able to stop and before you know it the sunroom will be full of boxes, there will be no knick-knacks in the house, all the artwork will be off the walls and half the bookcases will be empty.

Then we'll live with boxes around us for six months while we look for a place to live.
Unpacking all our stuff will be like Christmas morning.

I'm stressed out about a move that is going to happen sometime in the next four months.
Or maybe not even until after the new year.
Of course there's always the possibility that the owner of the house won't let us stay here when it is determined that we don't intend to buy the house.
So we may end up in some shitty little apartment for a period of time... some shitty little apartment where I won't bother to unpack much of anything outside of the kitchen.  We have Kindles.  We don't really need all those books.  We have Netflix.  We don't need all those DVD's. 

In an ideal world the money will clear and get here before the end of the month.  We'll be able to put our feelers out, educate ourselves and get out looking before we meet with our landlord.  By the time we meet with our landlord (mid June) we should be able to tell her that we're actively looking and anticipating being out of the house by September. 

In an ideal world.
In the meantime I'll quietly stress out about it and slowly get a few things done...  Although transplanting all my succulents into pots is stressing me out.  The heatwave may have killed one or two of them as it hit two days after a few things got potted.  Crossing my fingers and moving things into shadier areas with plans to drown them quite nicely when the sun goes down.

Library Policy

Yesterday I saw an article posted on Facebook regarding the recent purging of books done by a University Library.  The comments under the posting were uninformed, inflammatory remarks designed (I believe) to make the person writing them seem like a "better person" because they so obviously love books and are repulsed by the idea of them being destroyed.

I clicked the link and watched the video it led me to, then went back and read over the comments again.  I was immediately struck by the fact that if anyone who wrote those comments... including the friend of mine who posted the link in the first place... that a conversation could be started-and someone could learn something.

I wrote the following as a response to the video as well as the stupid comments listed beneath it, but that was after I watched the video...  which is available HERE


I used to work at a library, and the criteria for what goes on the shelves and what stays on the shelves is actually very logical.  Unfortunately any time a library has to purge books they run the risk of people making a mountain out of a mole hill.  The headline for this alone is inflammatory.  The books are in a dumpster.  This gives the impression that they'll just be thrown away when in fact they're recycling them.  Many of the books are out-dated and have information that is no longer relevant-or simply wrong.  Then there are the books that are so worn and in such bad shape that repairing them costs more than replacing them...  but people don't like to see any book get "thrown away."  If libraries never did this they would be full of ancient musty books that had no useful information.  There would be no room for the fifteen copies of Divergent they have to keep on hand until the hub-bub dies down and all fifteen aren't out on loan with a waiting list a hundred people deep.  There would be no room for the latest information and the updated reference section...  everything in the library would be wrong, old, incorrect...  useless.

There are always "better" ways for libraries to dispose of their outdated and damaged material but they often don't choose those ways due to lack of funds or lack of time.  Also, a lot of libraries have tried to re-home the books via book sales or simply giving the books away...  but then nobody wants the books, unless they're getting thrown away.

I don't know why so many people believe that libraries have infinite storage space and keep every single book that ever passes through their doors.  It's sad that books have to go, but sometimes they do.  Instead of news stories about how sad it is and how distraught people are why doesn't someone take the time to do a piece about what the new material is?  How the library had to get rid of some things... to make room for all these awesome books that are more relevant to the times we live in, that have updated information, that will be used... 

The same friend who posted the video has posted things in the past that made me scratch my head and wonder what planet she and her friends live on.  In the past I've commented, informing them that their information is incorrect, or their emotional response is irrational when you stop and think about it...  but I always get shot down and belittled.  I suppose that's the danger of trying to tell a bunch of people who are a generation older than you that their wrong.  They gang up on you and pat you on the head, placate you and talk over your head about how ignorant and naive you are.

I know how those folks who understood that the world was a sphere felt back when most folks thought the planet was a pancake. 

So those are my thoughts on libraries purging their shelves, it's necessary and if you want to view it as evil then please be my guest.  But next time you toss out a book, remember.

How we are...

It occurred took me that the entirety of my relationship with my mother-in-law can be summed up in a little interaction we had earlier today.

I took a moment to inform her of my burgeoning anxiety issues. Just as I was letting her know that the possibly frequent retreats to the bedroom are not intended as a slight and I don't wish for them to be taken as such....

She completely interrupted me, talked so loudly that to be heard over her I had to shout... and proceeded to attempt to inform me of ask her own anxiety issues.

This is inappropriate.
This is the next four days.

Privacy and Fear

Must attempt this whole Mobile blogging thing considering the certain and disturbing lack of privacy in my future.  Knowing that no matter what I do will be wrong is troubling, to say the least, but at least I can easily hide what it is by tapping the little house on the bottom left corner.

Now I need to password protect the Kindle so that no overly curious minds gain access to my various accounts and private notes while we're gone.  It's sad that I feel the need to do that.  Also says a lot about how I feel about those whose company in which I shall be required to spend my time.

I keep hearing, "Think about all the fun we're going to have!"  Yet experience tells me that the fun will be short lived and widely spaced.  When the bulk of my memories of past trips are negative and nausea inducing it is rather difficult to look toward this impending trip with anything but dread.  When you take into consideration the various psychological issues that appear to be setting up residence within my skull it makes you wonder what these people who profess to love me are thinking by making me do this most distasteful thing.

I understand why my son and husband want me to go, but my visceral reaction to the whole thing should be enough of a clue that this trip is detrimental to my psychological well being and in this case, perhaps the desires of the many should take a back seat to the needs of the few.

Interruptions cause System Failure

Don't interrupt me.
Not when I'm writing, not I'm reading and not when I'm thinking.
When you burst in on me my mind stops.
It doesn't pause.
It stops.
Total system reboot required.

So don't walk into the room and start talking to me-politely get my attention.
If I'm ignoring you, don't be offended, just understand that there are probably about five or six different things going on inside my mind and stopping to say "Hi." and chat about the weather, the cats and the state of the union can make me forget all five or six of them.
Forget them.

I'm sorry if you don't understand why I require a soft, "Excuse me." When you wish my attention.  Pretend I'm a stickler for proper manners and get over it.

Anxiety Settles in Limbo

I find myself in an odd state lately.
Constant (what seems to be) anxiety and an even deeper desire to stay within my home than I've ever felt before.  That says a lot, considering how much of a hermit I am by nature.
It could be the state of limbo I find myself in, this wondering of where I'll be living three months from now... knowing that it probably won't be here... dealing with that on an emotional level.

I can clearly see all the reasons we should not buy this house.
Buying this house is completely illogical, but faced with that or moving back into an apartment (which would be cramped and more expensive) it has seemed our only option for the last few months.  I've been content in the knowledge that we would, in all likelihood, buy the house despite the fact that it's not the best investment we could make.  Shit.  Buying a brand new car would be about equal as far as any sort of future financial gain is concerned.

My overwhelming emotional desire to hold on to this house resides firmly in the simple fact that moving will most likely force us to put our son in a different school.  Perhaps a different district entirely.  I have this intense (and somewhat illogical) desire to keep him in the same district K-12.  To move him between first and second grade wouldn't be that big of a deal... not overall... I know this-I attended four different elementary schools and then moved to a new district again when I started high school.  But I long for friends I've known since we were five years old and swinging on the monkey bars... and I want that for my son.

Another thing contributing to the surge in anxiety, to the increasing severity of the panic attacks and the general feeling of "OHMYGODNOPLEASENO" in my mind is this impending "vacation" that we're going on next week.

Bare Bones: Being away from my home for five days and four nights is enough to give me a stroke.  I don't like the idea.  I don't want to do it.

All other circumstances regarding this little family trip are completely meaningless at this point.  I simply do not want to leave my house for any length of time, let alone five fucking days.

I'm pretty much patted on the head and told that things will be all right and I should "think of all the fun I'm going to have."  Because the gods know I see acres of fun ahead of me.  Acres.

Mentally I'm stuck as well.  The simple fact that the plans I've had rocketing around in my head for the last three years started speeding up when it became likely that we'd end up buying the house... and now they're dead stopped.  Stuck.  I can't even think about and plan for a move because I have no idea if that's even going to happen... or when... or what the fuck.

My brain is already working on what I'm going to do two days after I get home from "vacation."  That's where I am mentally right now: Two weeks from Today.  So what comes next?  Will we have the answers I assume and hope like hell we're going to have when we get back?  If we do have those answers I should be able to move forward but it doesn't really help my mental state over the next week... or during our time away.  Which is already going to be stressful, nerve wracking and OMG I'd rather shoot myself in the foot.